Christmas brings out the crazy in me. If there is any time of the year when my depression will raise its ugly head or the panic attacks come it will be at Christmas.
I start to worry that I don’t have enough presents for everyone. I make big plans and then realise that there isn’t really enough time to do it all and that drives me completely insane. I lay awake at night worrying about it all.
I make lists and more lists and make more work for myself; by the time Christmas comes I am completely drained. It doesn’t help that for the past 13 years I have worked in industries where Christmas starts early, though it’s only in the past few years that it starts as early as July!
The worse bit is that even though I know all this I can’t stop myself, it’s a compulsion. That’s the thing about mental health problems you can’t always stop it even when you see it coming. I do a really good job at hiding it from everyone but if you look closely you will see the cracks.
I don’t want BG to grow up with a crazy Christmas mum but I just don’t know how to stop myself or if I can be stopped. I have tried really hard this year not to go overboard and place high expectations on myself but that crazy is getting ready to come out, the closer Christmas gets the harder it is to keep inside.
This is being written as part of Diary of a Surprised Mum All I want for Christmas is my Sanity Carnival.