One of the things that worried me in my pregnancy was how my depression would affect my child when it was born. Would I have post natal depression? Would that stop me bonding with my child? I was quite fortunate that I didn’t have PND but I have had bouts of depression since she has been born.
I have days when I don’t want to leave my bed let alone the house and so far that really hasn’t affected BG too much. We tend to have a duvet day and I make sure we have fun and she doesn’t get bored or feel neglected. Even on my lowest day I manage to hide it from her or at least I did until this afternoon.
Today started at really well, we went to play group, did some shopping, back some cakes and then BG did some painting and that’s where it went downhill. BG doesn’t often do painting at home we have a very small space and there isn’t really anywhere for her to do it without getting it everywhere. BG can’t just use a paintbrush she has to get her hands in and make the biggest mess ever.
She kept asking to do some painting so I gave in and got them out for her, asking her not to do hand painting and just to use the brushes. Of course she ignored my and within 30 seconds she was elbow deep in paint. I turned around to get BG another piece of paper when she walked to the coffee table to get a wipe for her hands, she leant on the sofa with her hands and left two paint handprints on the sofa, this is when I burst in to tears.
I just sat on the sofa sobbing staring at these two greeny brown handprints. I reached for the wipes to start cleaning the mess when BG who was still covered in paint started crying. So there I am trying to comfort BG without getting paint anywhere else while still wiping the handprints off.
Depression sucks big time!
We finally got cleaned up and the handprints are gone and we sat and had a big cuddle until we both calmed down.
As she gets older it’s getting harder to hide the crazy. I don’t want BG to be the girl with the strange mum that doesn’t leave the house and cries all the time. How do I stop this affecting her?
I can’t make it just go away; there isn’t a ‘cure’ for it. She’s too young to understand what’s going on, she just thinks she’s made mummy sad and that in its self makes me sad.
I don’t know what to do.Image: Master isolated images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net