Recently I was featured in the local paper about making the finals of the MAD Blog awards. I am shortlisted for the Post of Year Award for my post Hi My Name Is Carol and I Have Depression.
The paper didn’t quite write what I thought they would. I thought they would write more about the awards but instead they wrote about how blogging has helped me with my depression, which is true.
I had a great reaction from people that read it saying how brave I was and how some of them also suffered with depression. The one thing they all kept saying is “you can’t tell from looking at you” “but you’re always so smiley”. They are shocked that they couldn’t ‘see’ my depression.
You can’t always see a mental illness. It’s hidden away under layers of smiles and denial hoping that it will just go away. Over the years I have become a great actress, good at making people believe that I am fine and nothing is wrong. Only letting the mask slip when I am on my own and can cry, hide, sleep.....
Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there, eating away at me, suppressing me and holding me down. I don’t have a badge with a big D on it to tell people I have depression. I’m not ashamed of it but it’s not something I tell people straight away.
If you meet me you wouldn’t be able to tell I am depressed, you wouldn’t know that it took all my strength to get out of bed that day, get dressed and leave the house.
Along with my mascara and lipstick I plaster on a smile and a cheery hello and you would never ever suspect that today I don’t to be, that I am scared the darkness will take over and I will not be able to escape.
Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.