Saturday, 24 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 24

This is the last day of my musical advent, I do hope you like it. I couldn't not have Christmas song on Christmas eve so I've been very inventive!

This is track 24 on disc 2 of That's What's I Call Xmas. However I couldn't find their version so I have Michael Buble's instead!! 

Have a wonderful Christmas and I will leave you will Michael Buble - Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 23

I am sooooo pleased that this song got to No 23 in the charts last January, it means I can share it with you today!

I give you Florence + The Machine - Dog Days are Over.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 22

Today's track comes from the Mod Father himself Paul Weller.

Here is 22 Dreams.


Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 21

This was the first track I thought of when I thought 21.

I give you So Solid Crew - 21 Seconds.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 20

This was a real tough one but I did it!!

Sit back and enjoy Matchbox 20 - Time after Time. 

Monday, 19 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 19

I have a real classic for you today from 1966.

Today I give you Rolling Stones - Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown. 

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 18

Today's song got to No 18 in 1998 which is the year I turned 18!

I give you Shed Seven - Heroes.

Saturday, 17 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 17

Today's track is from East 17, now I could have gone with their Christmas track Stay Another Day. However I went with my favourite track of theirs which happens to be their ever single.

Today I am sharing East 17 - House of Love. 

Friday, 16 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 16

We are back to a bit of rock today, this is a band that I have seen live and they are pretty awesome!

I give you Velvet Revolver - Just Sixteen

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 15

I thought we would chill out a bit today and go a bit country.

Today's song is Taylor Swift - Fifteen

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 14

We are really starting to rock out now!!

Today I give you Guns N Roses - 14 Years .

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 13

This is the 13th track on the 13th Album and is called Thirteen!!

I give you Megadeath and 13.


Monday, 12 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 12

I have finally have a Christmas song for you!!!

Today I give you John Denver and the Muppets - 12 Days of Christmas.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 11

Some 90's boy band cheese for you today. I give you 911 - Bodyshakin .

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 10

I couldn't miss out a Bon Jovi track now could I! 

This is song is the 10th track from their 10th album Lost Highway which got to number 10 in the Italian album chart. 

Friday, 9 December 2011

The Christmas Crazy

Christmas brings out the crazy in me. If there is any time of the year when my depression will raise its ugly head or the panic attacks come it will be at Christmas.

I start to worry that I don’t have enough presents for everyone. I make big plans and then realise that there isn’t really enough time to do it all and that drives me completely insane. I lay awake at night worrying about it all.

I make lists and more lists and make more work for myself; by the time Christmas comes I am completely drained. It doesn’t help that for the past 13 years I have worked in industries where Christmas starts early, though it’s only in the past few years that it starts as early as July!

The worse bit is that even though I know all this I can’t stop myself, it’s a compulsion. That’s the thing about mental health problems you can’t always stop it even when you see it coming. I do a really good job at hiding it from everyone but if you look closely you will see the cracks.

I don’t want BG to grow up with a crazy Christmas mum but I just don’t know how to stop myself or if I can be stopped. I have tried really hard this year not to go overboard and place high expectations on myself but that crazy is getting ready to come out, the closer Christmas gets the harder it is to keep inside.

This is being written as part of Diary of a Surprised Mum All I want for Christmas is my Sanity Carnival. 

My Blogging Inspiration

BG was about 14 weeks old when I started my first blog New Mummy she was my inspiration. I want to write about our journey together.

BG is 3 years old now and even though I don't write New Mummy any more without it I would have never have been brave enough to go freelance and have some many amazing experiences.  

If someone said 2 1/2 years ago I would be blogging for a living, travelling around the country to meet amazing people and still being at home to see my daughter grow up I would have never believed you.  I have spoken at conferences and won awards and its all thanks to my beautiful, funny, smart Baby Girl!

What does the future hold for me? I have a lot of plans for the New Year including an e book on How To Make Money from Blogging. 

So watch this space.

I have been forced inspired to write this post so I can get a Blogger Calender. Want to know more? Visit Sticky Fingers or Mocha Beanie Mummy for all the details. 

Thanks for all the hard work ladies!

Musical Advent - Day 9

I truly love today's song!! I love this film its from and can't help sing along when I hear it. 

Today I give you Dolly Parton - 9 to 5 

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 8

This song reached no 8 in 1978 and is a real floor filler, I dare you to press play and not want to boogie on down!

I give you Jackson 5 and Blame it on the Boogie.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 7

It had to be S Club 7

This was their Christmas song Never Had a Dream Come True, which was released 27th November 2000. 

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 6

Day 6 is a tough one, though I know its only going to get tougher.

Today I give you Sixpence None the Richer - Kiss Me 

Monday, 5 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 5

I have a real treat for you today, its day 5 so I give you 5:15 by The Who. And its a live version, I know I'm good to you. 

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 4

I am getting creative now, today's track was number 4 in the charts in 2004 (clever right?).

I give you Will Young - Friday's Child. 

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 3

Three days in and I am going strong! Today I bring you a track from my teenage years. I saw this band in 1997 in a little venue in Westcliff and they were supporting Skunk Anansie it was an amazing gig.  

It was actually my first gig with my friends, we walked into Southend and found a dodgy pub that would serve us. We lost one our friends for the entire length of the gig as she got swept away in the crowd, it was an awesome night.

I give you 3 Colours Red and Nuclear Holiday. 

Friday, 2 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 2

Today's track was my brother's favourite song when he was younger. He would sing it over and over and over again, in the end it drove me insane. 

I apologise now its probably one of the most annoying songs ever but I had to share it. I give you 2Unlimited - No Limit.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Musical Advent - Day 1

Last year when I was still writing New Mummy I did a Musical Advent which I really enjoyed so I thought I would attempt it again this year. 

However I decided to give myself a challenge and rather then have all Christmas songs each track will relate to that days number. Trust me this wasn't easy!

So lets start with Day 1, there were quite a lot to choose from. I decided to go with the Christmas number 1 from the year I was born.

It was 1980 and the song was St Winifred's School Choir - There's No One Quite Like Grandma 

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Artrocker Awards 2011

This Friday will the see the  inaugural Artrocker Awards Ceremony 2011 and live show at XOYO.

It looks like its going to be an amazing event with a live show in the evening featuring Gruff Rhys, The Computers, Jesus & Mary Chain, Jim Jones Revue, Gary Numan, Tim Burgess, Tribes, Ade Fenton. The evening gig is open to the public and tickets can be purchased for £15 from XOYO.

I can make the awards myself but will be sending a roving reporter so we shall have all the news from the day.

You can find the list of nominations on Artrocker's website.

Good luck to all the nominees!

Monday, 7 November 2011

Music Monday - 5 Years!

Today is mine and OH's 5 anniversary. We are not married and don't plan to be so we celebrate the anniversary of our first date.

He took me to a see a British film called Mischief Night, not heard of it? I'm not surprised it wasn't very good! We went for a drink after the film and then he drove me home and we then sat in car until the early hours of the morning talking and well we've been together ever since.

I have managed to track down the soundtrack to the film and this was the best choice.

Happy anniversary!

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Mental Health Carnival

Welcome to the Mental Health Carnival.

I think it’s really important to share our Mental Health experiences so that 1) people know they are not alone and 2) people understand what it’s like to experience Mental Health issues. It’s not all hearing voices in your head and covering things in tin foil!

Mental Health issues are complex and not always easy to talk about. It can be hard to explain to people that have not experienced it what it’s like. So I decided to hold a little carnival to give others a chance to share their stories.

As it’s my carnival I will start will my latest post, How Do You Stop Your Depression Effecting Your Child?. I wrote this after a small breakdown last week.

These next two posts are both on body image; Rosie discusses The Effects Of Advertising On Our Children.  Watch the moving video she has shared.

Sandy has written an emotional post called The Little Girl and the Diet. This a very brave post about her eating disorder.

Ella at Purplemum has written about Coping with Depression, something I can relate to.

Kelly explains in Snapshots how she realised she was suffering with Post Natal Depression and how it affects her.

 Anna from Dummy Mummy is going the dilemma of making the decision to come off her anti-depressants now she is pregnant. She has a tough choice to make in the Depressive and the Pea.

Multiple Mummy has written a post from the view point of someone has worked in a Mental Health hospital.  She writes Just Because You Can’t See It Doesn’t Mean it’s Not There.

I want to thank all the ladies for sharing their stories with us, it’s not easy thing to do.

I would love this to be a regular feature so if anyone wants to host the next one let me know.

Image: Salvatore Vuono /

Monday, 31 October 2011

Music Monday - Bottom of the River

A funny thing happened Wikio put me in their list for music blogs, which means I know get emails about music reviews which is awesome. My dream job is a music journalist, I could so spend the rest of my life writing about music, hence my Musical Week.

Anyway I was asked if I would listen to a bands called Delta Rae's new track Bottom of the River. I have never heard of them before so I gave it a listen and well I love it. 

Its short but so addictive the listen to, the lead singers voice is amazing. Its a real southern american gospel song.

I can't find much else they have done in the past apart from some cover versions but I can't wait to hear more.

They have made a really creepy video and its perfect for Halloween hence why I sharing it with you today.

If you want to hear more you can visit their Youtube Channel, you can also download this track for free on their website Delta Rae    

So here is Delta Rae and Bottom of the River 

Sunday, 30 October 2011

The Sunday Chill Out

I'm feeling all bluesy this weekend, so my Sunday Chill Out tracks comes from Billie Holiday.

Here is One For My Baby (and one more for the road), sit back and chill out. 

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Sing Along Saturday - I Put a Spell on You

As its Halloween on Monday I thought I would have a Halloween inspired Sing Along Saturday.

The track I have gone with it I Put a Spell on You, the trouble I have was picking what version. 

In the end I had to go with this one.......Nina Simone 

Friday, 28 October 2011

Friday Song - When Your Strange

Friday Song is track that reflects my week. 

Its been an odd one this week full of colds, tears and making Halloween decorations!

This track reflects my week quite well for me..... The Doors, People are Strange 

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Tesco Book Review - The Notebook by Nicolas Sparks

Tesco asked me if I wanted to help them with an experiment. They want to see if they could group books by feelings and moods rather than genre.

These moods are:

Books to Carry You Away
Books to Make You Think and Talk
Books to Turn Your Heart in Somersaults

I liked the idea of this so I choose a book from the Books to Turn Your Heart in Somersaults section.

I choose The Notebook by Nicolas Sparks, I hadn’t heard about this book so had no preconceptions.

Without giving the while story away (as its quite short), The Notebook is a love story told through the Notebook and old letters which is read every day by Noah to his companion in an old people’s home.

It’s a simple story of lost and found love and the first half of the book is really emotional and you are desperate to find out more. Will they? Won’t they? Who will she choose? And it really does get your heart turning somersaults the way Nicolas Sparks describes their love and their first meeting after many years apart.

However the story in the Notebook ends on a cliff-hanger (which is exciting) and then the rest of the story is told through letters and Noah’s memories and it doesn’t work as well. I found it really disappointing rather than bittersweet which is what I think the author is going for.

It is a lovely story and the first half does make your heart turn somersaults but the second half was a real disappointment.

This book gets 3 out of 5 from me.

The Notebook is available from Tesco Books for £3.86

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

How Do You Stop Your Depression Effecting Your Child?

One of the things that worried me in my pregnancy was how my depression would affect my child when it was born. Would I have post natal depression? Would that stop me bonding with my child? I was quite fortunate that I didn’t have PND but I have had bouts of depression since she has been born.

I have days when I don’t want to leave my bed let alone the house and so far that really hasn’t affected BG too much. We tend to have a duvet day and I make sure we have fun and she doesn’t get bored or feel neglected. Even on my lowest day I manage to hide it from her or at least I did until this afternoon.

Today started at really well, we went to play group, did some shopping, back some cakes and then BG did some painting and that’s where it went downhill. BG doesn’t often do painting at home we have a very small space and there isn’t really anywhere for her to do it without getting it everywhere. BG can’t just use a paintbrush she has to get her hands in and make the biggest mess ever.

She kept asking to do some painting so I gave in and got them out for her, asking her not to do hand painting and just to use the brushes. Of course she ignored my and within 30 seconds she was elbow deep in paint. I turned around to get BG another piece of paper when she walked to the coffee table to get a wipe for her hands, she leant on the sofa with her hands and left two paint handprints on the sofa, this is when I burst in to tears.

I just sat on the sofa sobbing staring at these two greeny brown handprints. I reached for the wipes to start cleaning the mess when BG who was still covered in paint started crying. So there I am trying to comfort BG without getting paint anywhere else while still wiping the handprints off.

Depression sucks big time!

We finally got cleaned up and the handprints are gone and we sat and had a big cuddle until we both calmed down.

As she gets older it’s getting harder to hide the crazy. I don’t want BG to be the girl with the strange mum that doesn’t leave the house and cries all the time. How do I stop this affecting her?

I can’t make it just go away; there isn’t a ‘cure’ for it. She’s too young to understand what’s going on, she just thinks she’s made mummy sad and that in its self makes me sad.

I don’t know what to do. 

Image: Master isolated images /

Saturday, 22 October 2011

For Sandy

I just read a post on Baby Baby called The Little Girl and the Diet which has just made me sobbed. 

I can't put in words what I want to say to Sandy so here is track to show her.

This is for everyone that has ever been made to feel less than perfect. 

Pink, F*ckin Perfect (contains swear words)

Sing Along Saturday - Puddle of Mud

Tonight I am off to local gig with my dad.  4 bands are playing including SOiL and Puddle of Mudd.

I am really looking forward it, I love small gigs and its great to have something local to go to. And of course its cool to go to a gig with your dad *cough*.

My Sing Along Saturday comes from Puddle of Mudd and is probably the only one you will know of there's (it is for me!)

Its called She Hates me and is the clean version with the swear words bleeped out (sorry)

Monday, 17 October 2011

Music and Mental Health Carnivals

As this blog tends to be about either music or mental health I thought I would run some carnivals and see what the rest of you have to say on the subjects!

Mental Health Carnival - 1st November

It can be on any aspect of mental health, I'm not fussy! I will need submissions by Saturday 29th October.

Music Carnival - 6th December

Again it can be on any aspect of music, what you like, what you hates, gigs you've been too, ones you wished you been too.

I would like submissions by Saturday 3rd December.

You can email them to me at

I am really looking forward to your posts. 

Image: dan /

Sunday, 16 October 2011

The Sunday Chill Out -

My new favourite artist is Ben Howard, I have been listening to his new album Every Kingdom on Spotify all week.

I find his music mellow but really catchy at the same time, I can listen to him sing all day. No track is under 4 minutes which I like, you really get a chance to be drawn into the music.

I was really torn between what tracks to share with you today as there is two a really love, The Wolves and Keep You Head up so I have decided to give you both!

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Sing Along Saturday - Happy Birthday Daddy

Today is my dad's birthday so I am dedicating this weeks Sing Along Saturday to him.

This has been a real tough one to choose so I thought I would go with a song from the very first gig that I ever went to. 

Me and my sister really wanted to go and see Jason Donovan but my dad refused to take us and took us to see Kylie Minogue instead.  Don't get me wrong at aged 11 I was a big fan of both I just like Jason that little bit more.

We had a great time dancing in the aisle at London docklands and my dad was happy to see her in her skimpy costumes!

So in honour of my Daddy's birthday this weeks Sing Along Saturday track is.....

Friday, 14 October 2011

That Dress

I can't confess to being a fashionable person but the dress I wore recently to the MAD Blog awards has been very popular, obviously its the way I wore it!

So here it is..

The dress is from Simply Be is the Grazia Lace Tunic Dress and costs £59 and is available in sizes 14 to 32.

Its a two piece dress consisting of a purple under dress with adjustable straps (great for short people like me) and a black lace over dress.

I found it really comfortable to wear and the lace dress is slightly stretchy.  It also has a black ribbon that ties at the back which helps pull in the waist.

It washed really well and didn't shrink and the best thing is it doesn't need ironing!

This is going to be my Christmas dress this year, perfect for hiding my big tummy after dinner!

A huge thanks again to Simply Be for providing my dress. 

Friday, 7 October 2011

I Only Went and Ruddy Won!

This time last week I was getting ready to go to that there London for the MAD Blog Awards. I meet Becky and Lyndsey at Kings Cross and we took a cab to the hotel, we checked in and quickly dumped our bags and went for some food. It was really nice just to sit down and have a chat and relax.

Soon it was time to get glammed up with my roommate Karen and the lovely Sophie who also joined us. It’s been years since I’ve got ready with the ‘girls’.

We arrived at the Talk Talk Custer Service Centre to find a red carpet and a photographer taking celeb type photos.


I found the free wine and its slightly hazing from then onwards! I had a lovely time catching up with old friends and making new ones. I clapped and cheered for all the nominees and winners, who had a look of shock on their faces when they won.

I was up for blog post of the year; I wasn’t expecting to win and was sitting right at the back of the room when they called my blog out at the winner. And then the tears came and not a delicate tear running down my face. No big, fat, happy sobs!

Nickie, Carol, Muireean

I couldn't say anything but thank you and I really meant it. What I wanted to say was...

Thank you to everyone who nominated my post and then voted for it. You will never know how much it means to me that I post I have written has moved people to nominate me and say this is a great post, this had an effect on me. It’s not easy writing about depression but it’s cheaper than therapy.  Thank you very, very much.

OH sent me the funniest text:

Time to get drunk!!! Don’t break your award, leave it in the taxi or sell it for more wine...

I don’t know he is trying to say!

Once the awards were all announced the fun began, I *may* have done Karaoke with Amy. It’s a good thing it wasn’t recorded, oh wait yes it was.

It was soon time to leave and like a fool I hit my head getting into the taxi (which I am blaming for my headache on the morning), we went back to hotel for a drink.  At some point in the evening Burger King was involved. I want to apologise to Karen for waking her up when I got back to the room.

I had a great night and it was nice to have a chat with people in the morning over breakfast.

I want to say a big thank you to Sally and Jen for organising it all, the sponsors, Simply Be for giving me my fantastic dress and to Nickie for presenting me with my award.

You can see all the amazing photo’s here (where I borrowed my glam photos from), you can see the list of winners here and the live stream here.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Why You Shouldn't Litter

Life has a funny way of bitting you in the arse sometimes, as a young man found out last night.

Me and OH were on the tube on our way to Kings Cross last night when 3 girls and a guy got on. One of the girls has an empty coffee cup and we all know how heavy they can be to carry around. The guy with them decided to come to her rescue and lean out of the door and dump the empty cup on the platform.

As he did this his £280 Prada sunglasses slipped off his shirt and fell down the gap between the train and the platform and then the door shut. It took all my strength not to laugh out loud! A little giggle sneaked out but he didn't hear me.

The moral of the story? Don't litter (or show off in front of girls!)

Friday, 30 September 2011

Friday Song - MADs Special

This afternoon I am off to that there London to get all glammed up and attend this years MAD Blog Awards.

I am shortlisted for Post of the Year and I have practised my gracious loser face.  Its a complete honour to have been shortlisted two years in a row. Just like last year I am looking forward to having a few drinks, letting me hair down and meeting old and new friends.

If you want to watch the live streaming tonight you can find on the MADs Blog.  

I want to say good luck to everyone that is shortlisted and a huge thanks to Sally and Jen you have done an amazing job organising the event. Also a big thanks to Simply Be who have given me a pretty dress to wear.

My Friday Song this week is..........Pink, Raise Your Glass.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Love It or Hate It? - Florence + The Machine: What the Water Gave Me

I loved Florence + The Machines first album and have been desperate for her to release her some new tracks.

The first track released from her 2nd Album Credentials which is due out next month is called What the Water Gave Me.

I have to say I Love It!! I am not disappointed at all, its really strong. Its a track you can feel in your bones when you play it. 

I can listen to it over and over again.

What do you think?

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Guest Post - My Post Natal Depression Experience

I am currently away on a well earned holiday, so today I have an amazing guest post for you.

It comes from Ella who has just started writing her blog Purplemum

I have three children, and after the birth of my first two children I experienced post natal depression. At that time if I had read about someone who had experienced this terrible illness it would have made me feel less alone. So I'm writing this post to share what happened to me, and perhaps help someone else.

My first son Louie was a much longed for baby, my husband and I were thrilled when we found out I was expecting and couldn't wait to be parents. The pregnancy was a wonderful time. We bought baby clothes and equipment and imagined how amazing it was going to be when we had a baby in our arms. We focused a lot on the birth, hired a Doula (birth assistant), and planned a natural water birth. I attended pregnancy yoga and visualized my perfect water birth , with candles, music and that amazing moment when our baby would be born in the water and latch on for his first feed.

Of course all this was incredibly naive, but I honestly believed if I prepared enough I could create the birth experience I dreamed off. Then my due date came and went. Another two weeks passed and I started getting pressure from the midwives to be induced. I hung on believing that I should trust my body. I went to the hospital daily for monitoring which was stressful and time consuming. Then another week passed and I was 21 days over my due date, and was becoming increasingly despondent and stressed. On 22 days past the date I went in for monitoring and it was discovered that the fluid levels in my womb had dropped so I decided to be induced.

The induction process was long, and boring. I was in a room for two days having sporadic contractions, but nothing that was putting me into established labour. I wasn't sleeping properly because I was excited to be so close to meeting my baby and the hospital was noisy.

Finally on day three I was sent down to labour and delivery to get some drugs which would kick start the contractions and hopefully get my cervix dilating. There followed a horrendous 24 hours, the first twelve with no pain relief. Enduring awful artificial contractions and dilating very, very slowly. Finally after this time I asked for a cesarean section, and Louie was born.

I was exhausted, and breast feeding hurt. I was barely sleeping and Louie wouldn't stop feeding. Then he was weighed and had lost too much weight so my life became an endless round of feeding, expressing, and topping up with formula.

We arrived home from hospital late in the evening, the house was a mess, Louie was screaming, and I couldn't stop crying. This was not the start to family life that I had imagined. Over the course of the next two weeks things got worse and worse. I got an infection in my c-section scar, and was put onto antibiotics. The feeding wasn't getting any better and I was expressing all day long to try and avoid giving my baby formula top ups. Then I got mastitis and the doctor's didn't put me on more antibiotics. So the mastitis turned into a breast abscess, which was more painful than toothache!

By this point I felt like having a baby was a really bad idea. Obviously I wasn't good enough to be a mother and how on earth was I going to get out of this situation. Perhaps I should just leave my husband with my baby and start a new life.

One day when I was in the depths of self pity my health visitor came to visit. She was brilliant and arranged for me to be seen at our local mother a baby psychiatric unit. A small hospital ward for women experiencing post natal illness. The doctor immediately suggested they admit me. I was terrified of being in hospital, but my family felt it was the only place I could get the help I obviously needed.

Louie and I spent 2 months in hospital. It wasn't easy, but little by little I found myself feeling better. I got more sleep and enjoyed the company of other women who were on the road to recovery. I started to be able to care for Louie properly. I became less scared of him. In time I even started to enjoy him and feel that overwhelming love that I am now so familiar with as a mother of three.

It took me a year to fully recover from Post natal depression and amazingly by that time I had even begun to feel broody again. I was terrified by the prospect of giving birth again and caring for a baby but I wanted Louie to have a sibling and I wanted them to be close in age.

When Louie was 13 months old I found myself pregnant again. Obviously this pregnancy was not as idyllic as my first. I was concerned whether the depression would return and how would I cope with two small children. I was monitored carefully during the pregnancy, and a plan was made to keep a close eye on me after I had given birth.

Milo's birth was very different to Louie's. I went into labour naturally 7 days after my due date, and after a fourteen hour labour gave birth naturally. I was euphoric, and proud that I had managed to birth my baby naturally.

However, unfortunately my good mood didn't last long.

Four days after his birth Milo, was proving to be a very high need baby. He would feed constantly and didn't sleep well at all. During the day he needed to be held and at night he woke every two hours. He screamed a lot, very loudly. I began to struggle. This time I managed to soldier on for about 6 weeks. During this time I would often find myself sat on the sofa tears pouring down my face while Milo screamed and Louie played at my feet. Eventually it became too much, and I was admitted to the mother and baby unit again.

This time I was better prepared to fight my illness. I left Louie at home with his Dad, as you could only have your baby with you not older siblings. This drove me to recover,I had to get better he needed me. I did everything the doctor's recommended, including taking medication. This made my recovery much quicker and within three months I was home and really feeling much better.

So you might consider me a little barmy for even contemplating a third baby after all this. However I love being a mother and once recovered from post natal depression,I really did love my life as a stay at home mum. I had always wanted three children, and didn't want this horrible illness to stop me fulfilling my dream of a large family. When Milo was 18 months and Louie was 3 I became pregnant again. As before I was monitored carefully during pregnancy and plans made to keep an eye on me after giving birth. Sicily's birth wasn't easy but it was natural and for that I was pleased.

I gave birth to Sicily this year, she is now four months old. She is a completely different baby to Louie and Milo. She sleeps well, she eats every four hours and she is happy and laid back, really the dream baby. I have enjoyed my third baby in a way that I feel was taken from me, by post natal depression with my other two. I spend hours staring at her enjoying her beautiful smile. I watch her growing and want to stop time because she grows so fast and I am loving her babyhood so much.

Of course I have the occasional bad day, I have three children under 5, but I'm enjoying her and my boys in a way that I suppose is normal for mothers unaffected by depression. To me it is a miracle, and I am so grateful to have had a baby this way and to know what it is to enjoy your baby away from the shadow of post natal depression.

So that is my story. I have tried to be completely honest, and believe me, it makes me feel uncomfortable putting those feelings I had into text for people to see. But I hope that it shows people how terrible this illness can be and makes people more aware of the struggles a new mum can be experiencing.

If you are struggling with post natal illness, please ask for help, there is help out there so you can recover and enjoy your baby. If you know someone who is struggling the best thing you could do is listen to how they are feeling. Perhaps offer some practical support, cook a nourishing meal, hold the baby for a time so the mother can rest.

Most of all do not feel guilty or ashamed, post natal depression is an illness, it is not your fault and you are not a bad mother.


A big thank you to Ella for being brave and sharing her story.